Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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