I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
