I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
