Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
