Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
