I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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