Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
