Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
