Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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