i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How external is "for external use only"?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
