I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
