MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
