How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
