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Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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