I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize