So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Randomize
