oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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