He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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