I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
