I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
