I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
