I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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