Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
