So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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