dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
