My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
