dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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