And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
