I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
