Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
