If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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