you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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