does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
