genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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