when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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