no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
