Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
