I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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