If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
