i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
