My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
