I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
