I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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