hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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