Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
PANTIES FOUND
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