I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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