What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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