I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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