you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
