I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
