she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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