Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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