Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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