New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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