i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
