So drunk its hurt
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
