Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize