he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
