I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
