I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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