i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
