I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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