I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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