12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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